Mending My Soul

I expected an interesting season as I walked through my 59th year, heading towards the next decade like a bullet train. The last thing I anticipated was to walk back through my past. Yes, my past. The ugly past. I have walked through so much healing, but quite frankly most of it was done without emotion. Sounds impossible, but it is possible. Feelings are fickle and untrustworthy. Who needs them anyway? Not me. I lived for most of my life without them.

It is only in the last three years that I have discovered my feelings. When I was living in an abusive marriage it was safer to hide my feelings. I stuffed and buried until I was dead inside. Through the last eight years of deliverance I dealt with the facts of the pain, but not the deep hurt inside my soul. Who knew my soul needed to be mended? God did. He sent a book my way called, Mending the Soul by Steven R. Tracy. This book tore open the wounds of my soul. And now I am embarking on a new journey.

Despite all the freedom I have experienced in the last eight years, I had not looked into the deep recesses of my soul. My expectation was to help other women through their past to healing. Instead God decided He is not done with me yet.

I am a relator; I am supposed to like intimacy. I am missing true intimacy with God and the people around me because my soul is still wounded. It should be no surprise it would take eight plus years to heal 50ish years of wounds. So I am taking another step to freedom by joining a group of women, sharing my deepest secrets in order to mend my soul. I am ready to look at my past without shame and condemnation. To grieve the loss of a marriage and yet rejoice in my new marriage. To learn to feel again, in a healthy fashion.

Am I nervous? Yes. I don’t like the old Karen. She was weak, lacked courage, was a doormat with a capital D. She was shrouded with shame. Her best friends were fear and terror. She was insecure and mousy. She had secrets. I am not thrilled to go back and visit her.

I am in anticipation however, of a new level of freedom. Expecting to see a change in my relationship with my husband which will trickle down to family and friends. I also believe it will transform my writing. I am choosing to look to the other side of this journey. I expect I will feel more, be less defensive, and liberated. Freedom is ongoing, it never stops.

God is my helper; the Lord is the sustainer of my soul (Psalm 54:4). How about you? Is there something from your past you have been avoiding or hiding? Maybe it’s time to bring it out in the open and let the finger of God to mend your soul.

Originally posted on My Purpose Now.